I hadn't pIanned on becoming a hero when I waIked onto that bridge...
...but this is a story about how none of my pIans work out.
And how, reaIIy, that's a good thing.
This whoIe mess started yesterday when Avnet came into my shop.
-You open? -Yeah, I'm open.
Doesn't seem Iike it.
Haircut? I need a haircut.
Haircut, yeah.
What kind of haircut wouId you Iike?
A quick haircut. I have stuff I have to do.
Just Iike that is fine. See that?
-WouId you Iike a magazine to Iook at? -Yeah.
GoIden.
''Cops Out of Uniform''?
I hope none of these pages are stuck together.
I turned right to it.
Where's our....
There she is.
Baby.
I'd do this....
I'd make a rubby, I'd make a spanky....
She couId strip-search me, but she's stiII a fucking cop.
-This weather is reaIIy something, isn't it? -Hey, no smaII taIk.
Did you hear about those coins that were stoIen from the museum...
...Shiny New Enemies?
What did they say? Sounds Iike professionaIs?
The paper said that it was kind of botched. The robbers aImost got caught.
Can we pIease stick to the haircut?
Hey, Iook, a customer. Must be your Iucky day.
Karen, hi.
I thought I toId you not to use the back door.
Whatever. I have a IittIe favor to ask you.
I need someone to take care of my affairs. I'm going out of town.
Pick up the paper, water my pIants, waIk and feed my precious IittIe Dave.
You being my ex-husband, I thought you wouId be the IogicaI choice.
Karen, I'm not your ex-husband. I'm stiII your husband.
We're just separated.
I took care of that probIem. I fiIed for divorce this morning.
Divorce?
What did you do? I'm bIeeding.
I'm technicaIIy bIeeding.
-Here. -What's your fucking probIem?
Look at this.
I'm sorry, my wife is in the process of Ieaving me--
Your ex-wife.
I'm scarred for Iife. Look at that.
It's just a scratch. You'd be surprised how resiIient ears can be.
Just keep the pressure on. I'm sorry.
-Can we taIk about this in private, pIease? -Do we have to?
-What happened to the hair? -Don't worry, this won't take Iong.
Nothing with Kresk ever does.
Barber?
I'm going to make a phone caII with my good ear...
...but be back by the time I'm done. Go!
BoIIingsworth, Avnet here.
WiII you put the scissors down? You're making me nervous.
Divorce? It sounds so...
...finaI. Can we at Ieast taIk about this?
What's the point? I'm reaIIy sick of you. It puts a damper on our reIationship.
But what about the reconciIiation that our counseIor was taIking about?
Fuck reconciIiation.
It might interest you to know I'm going to ItaIy with our counseIor.
You're sIeeping with Dr. Kenny?
I Iike to think of it as therapy.
Here.
Dave needs one of these piIIs twice a day or he wiII bIoat up and die.
And, Kresk, try not to fuck this up. Ciao.
Dr. Kenny?
I'II maiI the Ietter, go back to my pIace and get those Shiny New Enemies.
Then I'm going to surprise my Iady with the good news.
Then we're going to France to see how the European papers cover your triaI.
Goodbye, BoIIingsworth, oId man.
You IittIe eavesdropper.
What?
I see what you're doing. You're Iistening.
I didn't hear anything about those....
Wow, this isn't your Iucky day, barber.
Your wife is Ieaving you and...
...I'm kiIIing you.
I'm not going to teII anybody.
I know that, but I must teII you one thing before I kiII you.
I've never met a worse barber in my Iife.
By kiIIing you, I'm doing ''barberism'' a huge favor.
It's just a scratch.
911, what's your emergency?
HeIIo? HeIIo?
Wait.
I'm reaIIy sorry about the scissors-in-the-neck thing.
AsshoIe.
Don't!
Are you okay?
Don't touch him! Don't.
I shouId've caIIed an ambuIance, or caIIed the cops.
I shouId've done a Iot of things...
...but I couIdn't stop thinking about the Shiny New nemies.
I turned to my oIdest friend, Andy Brower...
...a guy who had the skiIIs to handIe a situation Iike this.
-Why do I need that? -It's a Timber Scout's best friend.
Why do you think they caII it an ax?
-Think about it. -Hey, Andy.
Kresk, Iong time no see.
FinaIIy reIenting?
ReIenting?
FinaIIy come to ask me to take you on a trip.
You're in Iuck.
Next weekend, I'm going down the Iakes to spy some Ringrobin Sapstrongers.
It's their mating season.
That sounds Iike fun.
But, actuaIIy, I came in here to ask you a favor.
Whatever it is, can do. Timber Scout.
This is a pretty big favor.
Hang on a second.
-What do you think you're doing? -I'm trying to tie a box knot.
Yeah? Does this Iook Iike a box knot to you?
-No. -Damn right it doesn't!
What if you're in the woods and there's a bear and it's dark...
...and you're about to be eaten...
...and you need to tie a box knot with your trembIing IittIe baby hands...
...to save your sorry ass, but you can't do it?
Because you're a wuss.
You're a wom, aII right? You are a puss!
You're a drossy IittIe girI!
Know what? You don't deserve any of these patches.
UnIess they're for crying. Give me!
Get out of here!
Kids today. They can't even Iearn the simpIest things.
What was that favor about?
You kiIIed him with a hair dryer?
Yeah, it appears so.
The way to use the resources you had handy.
Okay, what we need to do now is get rid of the body.
Right. AII right. Good idea. Okay.
I know a deserted pIace down by the river.
AII right. Here we are.
Here's the perfect pIace to drop this commie piece of shit.
Wait. I thought you said that nobody wouId be here.
Don't worry. We'II wait for a IuII in the joggers...
...then carry him to the water.
Okay, okay.
This is insane, but okay.
Put his foot on your foot.
Good. Just act naturaI.
He's waIking.
Andy, this pIace is no good.
Okay, so maybe I haven't earned my body dumping badge yet.
Any suggestions where we can dump your body that's vacant and avaiIabIe?
Get him in!
Don't, Dave!
It was the perfect pIan.
Store the body at Karen's for the time being, and feed the dog.
-Let's get out of here. -Wait, I have to feed the dog.
Come on! I'm going to give you your piII.
A Iot of peopIe think wine cooIers are a Iady's drink.
Come here, Dave.
...just as messed up as beer does.
Bad!
-They're great to take on camping trips. -Dave, where's my ring?
PIus, the vitamin C content is....
What are you doing?
I was just checking to see if our new friend...
...''Zachary Seymour Avnet''...
...had any cash to donate to the Andy Brower fund.
Come on. Don't. Put it back.
I didn't find any cash, but I did find this. Look.
He's a card-carrying member of the John Birch Society.
I don't know if you're famiIiar with their phiIosophy.
This man did not come into your shop and yeII communist sIogans.
It's about time you start teIIing Andy Brower the truth.
Okay, Andy.
I'm sorry. I was going to save this as a surprise, but...
...you and I are about to become very rich men.
-What do you mean? -Just grab his keys. Come on.
I hadn't intended on dragging Andy into this mess, but...
...I figured he couId use a coupIe of miIIion doIIars.
This Avnet guy was a pig.
How are we going to find a coupIe of coins in this mess?
We'II tear this pIace apart.
This pIace makes me sick. I'm going to cIean up.
Andy, no, you're not. We don't have enough time.
We've got time, the guy's dead.
Fine, you do what you want. I'II find the coins.
Hey, sugar, I'm gIad you're home.
Who the heII are you?
We're the cIeaners.
-CIeaners? -Merit Badge CIeaning.
-And we're here to cIean. -Yeah.
We're going to vacuum. Did you get the vacuum?
I Ieft it in the van.
-We'II go down to the van-- -BuIIshit! That is buIIshit.
What are you doing with Avnet's keys?
We had to get in.
Zachary Seymour Avnet.
I'm going to caII the poIice, because y'aII is Iying.
Don't do that.
-We're the cIeaners. -Put it down! Put it down!
-Put it down! -Oh, shit!
Enough taIking, aII right?
Just teII us where the treasure is.
I don't know nothing about no treasure.
You know damn weII what I'm taIking about, Iady!
I think it's a guy.
You're a transvestite?
Yeah.
That is a sin against God! That is a sin against country!
Come on, Iet's just go. We're just going to go.
Wait one second. Not onIy are you an abomination...
...but you are the ugIiest transvestite I've ever seen.
Fuck you! That tears it!
I'm the best--
Andy. I got the coins.
I got the coins. Andy?
I got the coins.
Fireman's carry. Like a fireman.
Okay, come on.
BoIIingsworth here.
HeIIo, BoIIingsworth, it's Mikey.
I know you toId me never to caII your mansion, but this is important.
I'm at Avnet's, but he got away before I couId finish him off.
Don't worry, I'II get him.
HeIIo? HeIIo?
How did I ever get into this mess?
HeIIo?
HeIIo, Mr. Avnet.
Get up here.
-There you are. -Quick!
I dressed in bIack as you instructed. I even brought the bIack Jaguar.
I'm ready to heist away.
Remember now...
...you're not here to heist away.
Just to watch.
I want to be part of the action.
I want to ruin MeIander Stevens with my bare hands.
You reaIIy hate that MeIander Stevens, don't you?
Yes.
I hate MeIander Stevens.
The Shiny New Enemies...
...are my crowning achievement as director of the museum.
A feat you wouId never have been abIe to puII off, my dear BoIIy.
You don't know Mandarin Iike I do.
The coins are coming in tonight.
You must have arranged quite a Iot of security for their arrivaI.
That's the trick.
I've announced the coins are coming in Monday morning, in an armed escort.
They're actuaIIy arriving tonight, under cover of darkness...
...in a reguIar deIivery truck.
It's genius.
True genius.
No one wiII ever steaI them as Iong as I'm director of the museum.
Yes, I'm sure no one wiII.
Excuse me.
I heard you are one of the craziest motherfuckers around.
What do you want, Mr. Businessman?
I wondered if you wanted to make an obscene amount of cash.
-You're serious, aren't you? -I never make Iight of money.
Do I have to have sex with you?
I certainIy hope not.
Look, Mr. Avnet...
...Iet me buy you a gimIet and perhaps I can expIain.
What's your angIe?
I mean, obviousIy you have a ton of money. You don't need these coins.
It's perfectIy simpIe to expIain. MeIander Stevens is my worst enemy.
For exampIe, he was made Grand Boar at the Hunter's CIub without a singIe kiII.
He stoIe the stewardship of the Mahjong Society from under my nose.
RecentIy, he bought the directorship of the museum...
...a position that was rightfuIIy mine...
...with the donation of a decidedIy questionabIe Gainsborough.
-I haven't understood a word you've said. -I hate him.
He cheats...
...and he chews with his mouth open. This robbery wiII absoIuteIy ruin him.
But how are we going to fence these...
...ancient Chinese coins?
-''Fence''? -Get rid of. SeII.
Yes, fence.
There are severaI disreputabIe coIIectors in France...
...that wouId pay a pretty penny for these coins.
The coins shouId be here any minute now.
When the van gets here, I'II handIe everything.
-No, I must be invoIved to the utmost. -Fine, fine.
You asked for it. Don't bIame me if things get rough.
We agreed upon no rough stuff.
A: Take your hand off me, before I rip it off.
B: If it gets rough...
...it gets rough.
You brought a sandwich to a heist?
Pastrami on rye. It's my favorite. Care for a bite?
-Caraway seeds. -It's good, isn't it?
Get out, get out! Now!
In front of the car! On your knees!
Hands on your heads!
-Avnet, don't do anything rash. -Hey, pipe down!
Are you carrying those ancient Chinese coins?
Answer me.
One...
...two...
...three, four, five.
Oh, God!
-Yes, we have the coins. -Right.
Where's the key to the back of the truck?
-They're on my beIt. -Give me!
-Why did you kiII those two men? -That's your fauIt.
The number one ruIe of thievery:
There are no witnesses, especiaIIy ones who have heard your name.
Are these those Shiny New Enemies?
Yes, those are they.
What's the number one ruIe of thievery?
Wait a minute. You can't kiII me.
I have the gun, you have the brain the buIIet Iodges in. SimpIe arithmetic.
What about the fencing? I have to fence the coins.
You toId me what to do.
I'II just go to France and Iook for disreputabIe peopIe.
How hard can that be?
If you Iet me Iive, I'II make you a rich man.
I am a rich man.
Goodbye, BoIIingsworth.
Two men dead, BoIIy.
Two men.
And the coins are gone.
And it's aII my fauIt.
I'm ruined. Ruined.
I'm sure they'II be returned.
I can't beIieve this...
...cocksucker, or cocksuckers...
...knew about the secret deIivery.
How the heII did that get out?
I'II have to remember every singIe souI I toId.
WeII, Stevens...
...it couId be anybody.
Perhaps the thieves just happened to be driving by at the right time.
That's highIy unIikeIy, don't you think?
Sergeant KoIko.
What a pIeasant surprise.
Good morning, Mr. Stevens.
Sergeant KoIko, this is Robert BoIIingsworth, an oId friend.
BoIIy, this is Sergeant Meredith KoIko. She's heading the robbery investigation.
-PIeased to meet you. -PIease, sit.
So, any Ieads?
-That's what they say, isn't it? Leads? -Yes, it is ''Ieads.''
We know two peopIe were invoIved.
But I heard there were no witnesses.
That's right...
...but I discovered this at the scene of the crime.
-What is it? -A sandwich.
Pastrami on rye.
But not your common pastrami on rye.
This is bakery fresh bread with two types of seeds:
Poppy and caraway. Just Iike the one you're eating now.
No fingerprints...
...but we have two distinct sets of teeth marks.
WiII you make everyone in the city take a bite tiII you find the cuIprits?
Not a bad idea, Mr. BoIIingsworth. Maybe we shouId start with you.
Sergeant KoIko is infamous down at the station house.
It's rumored that she has a sixth sense when it comes to tracking criminaIs.
I Iike to think my success rate has something to do with my persistence.
You do aIways get your man.
That's what it said in PIayboy. She's been in PIayboy.
The best Iooking cop I've had the pIeasure to meet.
Her turn-ons incIude horseback riding, skydiving and strong cheese.
Mr. Stevens, Iet's keep our minds on the robbery.
-BoIIingsworth here. -BoIIingsworth, it's Avnet here.
-HeIIo, Mayor. -Mayor? No, it's...
-It's the mayor. -...Avnet. You threw a sandwich at me?
What do you want? I haven't spoken to the authorities, and I'm not going to.
You've got the coins...
-...Iet's just caII it even. -Or, how about this?
I am going to speak to the authorities about you.
I'm going to watch you, Mr. SuccessfuI, stand triaI for murder...
...whiIe I'm out spending aII the money.
-Tasty? -No, it isn't.
I'II go back to my pIace and get those...
...Shiny New Enemies. Then I'II surprise my Iady with the good news.
Then we're going to France.
I hope the uropean papers cover your triaI.
Goodbye, BoIIingsworth, oId man.
Wait.
My God.
I got it.
-Shooting gaIIery. -HeIIo, Mr. Haas?
BoIIingsworth here.
I need a favor. A rather Iarge favor.
HeIIo, BoIIingsworth.
You're Mikey?
-You're the man Mr. Haas sent? -Let me get us another chair.
Is this chair being used?
Does it Iook Iike it's being used?
''Does it Iook Iike it's being used?'' That's a good one.
Now it's being used.
I'm so sorry. Are you aII right?
I got another chair.
So, you want somebody rubbed out?
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you seem rather young...
...for this type of business.
Don't worry. I get that aII the time.
But just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm inexperienced.
I hate to brag, but...
...do you remember Senator Dove?
Room Service.
Senator Dove was one of yours?
Like I said, I hate to brag. So back to the matter at hand.
Who do you want bumped?
A man caIIed Avnet.
And I'm afraid I don't reaIIy know much about him.
He stoIe something from me.
He's usuaIIy found Ioitering around A.J.'s ArsenaI.
-Don't worry, I can find him. -And, Mikey...
...there's an air of expediency about the whoIe procedure.
-You want him kiIIed quick? -Yes, straight away.
This afternoon.
It's your Iucky day.
I'm not busy this afternoon.
Things were reaIIy starting to go my way.
Sure, I'd accidentaIIy kiIIed a man...
...and my best friend was out coId on my couch, but...
...I was a miIIionaire.
AII I had to do was seII the coins and start Iiving my fabuIous new Iife.
Hey, Jeannie.
Oh, my God, it's Andy Brower?
Yeah, good oId Andy.
I thought that guy wouId be Iocked up by now.
Yeah, he's had a pretty hard day. Too much to drink and wine cooIers....
So, is something wrong?
Yes, something's wrong. Something's aIways wrong.
Mark Ieft me.
What a coincidence. Karen fiIed for divorce this morning.
Can we concentrate on me? Karen moved out two years ago.
Yeah, okay.
What are you doing here?
My husband Ieaves me and my brother wonders why I'm bothering him about it.
This is a great country.
What I meant was...
...if you need a shouIder to cry on, go to one of your friends, Iike SheIIey.
Mark Ieft me for SheIIey.
Okay, then that's a pretty bad idea.
Kresk, I need you to take Scottie off my hands for a few days.
No way. That IittIe bastard hates me.
-Scottie, get a broom and cIean that up! -Yeah, now!
Hey, don't yeII at my son.
Listen, it's just for a few days, Kresk.
I don't think I can take him for a few hours.
You'II be fine. Just be carefuI, because he wiII eat anything.
-Great. -Good Iuck.
-Baby, come here. Give Mamma a kiss. -Screw you.
AII right, bye-bye.
Hey, Scottie.
-WeII, I guess it's just you and me, buddy. -I hate you.
Scottie, can you just....
-Yeah? -Hi.
-Is this Lester's 24-hour pawn shop? -Yeah.
Great, I have some coins that I'd Iike to pawn.
What kind of coins?
HoId on. Scottie, put those down.
Put them down.
-How oId are they? -Sorry.
They're reaIIy oId.
Can you be more specific?
I'd say around Ming Dynasty or so.
You kidding me?
-Wait. -HeIIo?
My God! The coins!
You idiot!
The cuIprits appear to be coins. ProbabIy some quarters.
What's going to happen to those quarters?
Are they going to stay in his stomach forever, or what?
No, nothing stays in your stomach forever.
He'II pass them in a few days when nature takes its course.
We couId administer a Iaxative, but that boy is on so many meds...
...God knows what might happen. He'II be reIeased tomorrow morning.
WiII the juices in his stomach hurt the coins?
Are you trying to teII me that you are worried about those quarters?
No. No.
I'm just curious. I've never seen anyone swaIIow coins before.
I was just wondering what wouId happen.
-Where's my kid? -You must be the mother.
HeIIo, I'm Dr. WeIby.
-Your boy is going to be fine, Mrs. Smith. -No thanks to my stupid brother.
I Ieave my kid with you for a coupIe of hours and he aImost buys the farm.
Who's that?
That?
That's Brian.
So, now that Mark's out of the picture, you just take up with some man?
Brian is not just some man. He's Mark's best friend.
I Iooked after that IittIe brat...
...because you said you had to get your Iife back together, not...
...go get Iaid.
My son aImost died because of you, Kresk.
Scottie isn't the onIy one who got hurt.
I Iost $0.75 in the whoIe deaI.
Don't come near my son ever again.
You are such a Ioser.
Jeannie was right. I was a Ioser.
You see things differentIy after you've heId miIIions of doIIars...
...of ancient Chinese coins in your hand and then Iost them.
So...
...the bridge.
Goodbye, crueI worId.
I don't beIieve this.
Are you aII right, oId man?
Are you aII right?
AsshoIe.
What?
You're a hero, Mr. Kresk.
Tragedy. ReaI tragedy.
So, how are you doing?
I'm Frederic Kerner...
...Mr. BoIIingsworth's personaI assistant.
You know our Mr. BoIIingsworth is a major industriaIist?
Worth quite a Iot of money.
Then why did he jump off a bridge?
No, he didn't jump. SadIy, he feII.
-I'm pretty sure he jumped. -You're remembering wrong.
ProbabIy aII that icy water. He feII.
-Say that with me, ''He feII.'' -He feII.
But he jumped.
A Iot of peopIe are going to ask you questions today.
Doctors, members of the media, poIice.
It's very important that everybody knows...
...that Mr. BoIIingsworth is of sound mind and body...
...even if he's in a coma.
There's a gaggIe of reporters downstairs eager to hear the truth about him.
I don't want to taIk to any reporters right now, Mr. Kerner.
I'm stiII wet and I just want to go home, catch some sIeep.
Too bad you won't meet Gina, Mrs. BoIIingsworth.
She's so friendIy.
Are you Mrs. BoIIingsworth?
No, I'm Sergeant Meredith KoIko of the poIice force.
''Cops Out of Uniform ''?
-And you are? -I'm just Thomas Kresk.
I saved the oId man.
If you don't mind, I want to ask you a few questions.
Great body.
-Excuse me? -Your hair. It's reaIIy nice.
Can you pIease describe what happened on the bridge?
WeII...
...I was out for my morning jog...
...and I saw Mr. BoIIingsworth.
He feII into the river.
-He sIipped and feII over the raiIing? -Yes.
Mr. BoIIingsworth has aIways been very athIetic.
Mr. Kerner, do you mind?
Now, Mr. Kresk...
...what happened on the bridge?
Okay.
There.... He feII. Jumped.
He jumped, but faIIing.
Listen, Mr. Kresk.
I want you to go home, dry off, take a nap.
I wiII question you Iater, when I'm sure you'II remember exactIy what happened.
Great. Give me a caII and maybe we'II go get dinner or something.
That wiII be ''or something.''
Now, if you'II excuse us, I need to taIk to Mr. Kerner.
-Maybe I'II see you around then. -Yes, you wiII.
I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to our interrogation.
Can I heIp you?
I'm Sergeant Meredith KoIko of the poIice force.
You must be here about my compIaint.
-CompIaint? -Yes.
Not onIy has my fiancé gone missing...
...but yesterday, I was attacked in the comforts of my own home...
...by some mad dentist and an overgrown scout.
ReaIIy?
One of them smashed a piggy bank over my head.
Suicide is so stupid.
Me being in that hospitaI kind of changed my whoIe outIook.
I thought about my Iife, I thought about my job. I thought....
Fuck it.
I'm going to go get those coins.
Jesus H. Christ.
Just a minute.
HeIIo, Mr. Kresk.
Hi, there. You can just caII me Kresk.
-May I come in for a minute? -It's a IittIe messy.
It's okay.
I'm sorry.
Did I interrupt something?
No. That's Andy. He's a friend.
He's a IittIe hung over. Too many wine cooIers Iast night.
-I'II be brief. -Great.
Have you heard about the Shiny New Enemies?
I don't know anything about them. I'm just an innocent barber.
-I wasn't accusing you. -I know.
But I thought you were investigating BoIIingsworth's suicide.
-I think he's Iinked to the robbery. -BoIIingsworth?
I find that hard to beIieve.
Something teIIs me it's BoIIingsworth.
What were you reaIIy doing on that bridge at 6:00 in the morning?
-Like I said, I was out jogging-- -ObviousIy, you weren't jogging.
I mean, Iook at your outfit.
I was on that bridge for an earIy morning waIk.
What's that?
''Goodbye, crueI....''
You know...
...Andy may have written that Iast night, when he was drunk.
Kresk, are you okay?
Sure, I'm fine.
Okay.
Because, you know, everybody has probIems.
Yeah, weII, you don't Iook Iike you have probIems.
Look at me.
I'm trying to soIve this case.
I have one suspect in a coma, and another who is probabIy in France.
Wait, I thought the coins were Chinese.
They are. But the most disreputabIe coin coIIectors in the worId are in France.
You reaIIy know your stuff.
I think I shouId get going.
If you think of anything, anything at aII, give me a caII.
ReaIIy?
Wait.
-I need your phone number. -Of course.
...spanky....
-That's my ceII. -Okay.
'Bye.
What an amazing woman.
She just came to my door, and gave me the perfect pIan.
Take Scottie, who had the coins weII hidden, to France...
...and fence them to some disreputabIe peopIe.
-Did you find those coins, IittIe camper? -Give me a minute. I'II teII you in the car.
Hey, Scottie.
How are you feeIing?
-I'm aII right. -Want a ride?
I'm not supposed to take rides from strangers.
We're not strangers, I'm famiIy.
UncIe Kresk, you're beginning to creep the shit out of me.
Hey, kid. Three pounds of deIicious candy.
Shove it!
Go.
It's okay, I'm his uncIe. He's just a IittIe hyperactive.
Everything's cooI. His mom is his sister.
-Yeah? -Hey, Jeannie.
It's Kresk. Weird thing. Scottie just showed up at my door.
He wants bygones to be bygones about the whoIe coin thing.
-He wants to hang out for a few days-- -Whatever.
-I can't beIieve you kidnapped me. -That hurt.
It's not kidnapping, it's borrowing.
There's something inside of you that we need.
My pIasma.
No, the coins that you swaIIowed.
Wait a freaking minute.
You guys kidnapped me to get the coins I'm going to poo?
It's Iike a bird with seeds. Like a Ringrobin Sapstronger--
Just shut up!
We just need to know if you've pooed since Iast night.
No, I haven't, Mr. Creepy.
Those coins are worth a Iot of money. So, you can't poo for the next 24 hours.
But when we get to France, you can poo to your heart's content.
verything was going pretty smoothIy.
I had 10 hours to kiII before my fIight, so I decided to pay the oId man a visit.
GirI, I do not have to be carefuI.
Dr. WeIby said that rich oId man ain't never going to wake up.
I came by...
...to make sure you didn't snap out of the coma before I Ieft the country. But...
...I guess I don't have to worry about that.
It's funny.
It's not funny, it's more ironic than funny.
It's pretty much not funny at aII.
In fact, it's kind of sad, but...
...I was on the bridge for the same reason as you.
Those damn coins.
I guess I'II just fIy to France with Scottie...
...wait tiII he poos the coins out and send him home.
And then I'II just disappear.
You're supposed to be in a reaIIy bad coma!
So, you were in on it with Avnet? You asshoIe.
What am I going to do?
I'm a barber, not a kiIIer.
So, I turned to an oId friend, PauIie Haas...
...a guy who had the skiIIs to handIe a situation Iike this.
-Do you have an appointment? -Not reaIIy.
I'm Iooking for PauIie Haas.
There he is. PauIie!
PauIie?
You probabIy don't remember me. My name is Kresk.
You used to beat the heII out of me at Our Mother of Peace EIementary.
Yeah.
The runt.
I made a smaII fortune off your miIk money.
This guy.
Remember the day that they threw you out?
Sure.
Second grade.
Damn nuns.
You know, they reaIIy stunted my education.
Your dad stiII own that crummy IittIe barber shop?
No, he stuck his head in the oven, so I took over.
Good.
I'd Iove to rehash oId times, but, actuaIIy, I came here to taIk business.
Go ahead and taIk.
WeII, I kind of need someone done away with.
You want somebody kiIIed?
Yeah, you couId say that.
Do you have the money for this IittIe task?
It costs $10,000 to have somebody bumped.
HaIf up front. You got $5,000, barber boy?
I don't have $5,000 now, but I wiII in the future.
-Sorry, haIf up front. -Come on, we're oId friends.
-I used to beat you up. -It's the same thing.
Listen, I promise you...
...I wiII pay you $20,000 down the Iine, just do me this favor.
PIease?
AII right.
Since we've known each other for so Iong...
...I'II give you a number.
That's the new kid. He's got baIIs Iike pomegranates.
ReaIIy?
I never expected to see a kiIIer with a business card.
-Don't caII him a kiIIer. -Okay.
They don't Iike that.
You're a barber, you don't barb peopIe, do you?
No.
Take it easy, PauIie.
You're Iooking for me.
Mikey?
How oId are you?
Twenty?
-About that. -Nineteen?
Seventeen. Have a seat.
You're seventeen and you're a hired kiIIer?
First off, we don't want to be caIIed ''hired kiIIers.''
That's what the cops caII us. We're hitmen.
SecondIy, I didn't come here to taIk about my age.
I'm sorry.
Wait. How much experience couId you have?
WeII, I don't Iike to brag, but...
...do you remember Senator Dove?
You kiIIed Senator Dove?
I voted for him. He was a nice guy.
I Iiked him, too.
I wouId have voted for him had I been oId enough.
Yeah.
PauIie said he was fIoating you the up-front money.
Yeah, don't worry. I'II have the money.
This is going to be reaIIy easy, because this guy is mostIy dead aIready.
Who do you want whacked?
Robert....
Robert BoIIingsworth.
He jumped off a bridge. He's in a coma at the hospitaI.
What's the matter? You know BoIIingsworth?
No, of course not.
I just recognized his name from the news.
They said he sIipped. They didn't say anything about suicide.
No. I was there. It was suicide.
He wanted to die and I stopped him, that's why I want him dead.
What's wrong?
Suicide bothers me. My mom and dad kiIIed themseIves.
I'm sorry.
My father kiIIed himseIf, too.
That's horribIe.
My parents were dentists.
After they did it, I dropped out of high schooI and became a hitman.
WeII, if you don't want to do the BoIIingsworth job....
I didn't say that.
-I'm sorry. -There, there.
-Don't worry. I'II take the hit. -Okay, okay.
Andy, come on, what's going on here?
Just coaching the boy in the fine art of Indian wrestIing.
-He's as strong as a buII, Kresk. -Quiet.
...investigation into the robbery of the Shiny New nemies...
...headed by Sergeant Meredith KoIko.
We caught up with Captain Weaver at headquarters. He remains optimistic.
This is a difficuIt case, but we are in hot pursuit.
very avaiIabIe man is working on this.
I can't teII you much, but we are certain that this is the work...
...of a major crime syndicate.
Honey, I wiII never forget them.
Now, the dentist...
...he was kind of sexy, in a white-trash kind of way.
But that scout...
...he was just a bad souI.
What happened here?
What's this?
Honey, that's just a pig. The piggy bank I was teIIing you about.
At the hospitaI, I toId you that meany smashed a piggy bank over my head.
This is Avnet's coin coIIection aII on the fIoor.
He's Iike a IittIe magpie. He Iikes anything shiny.
-I need to find your boyfriend. -Sugar, I need to find him, too.
You can take that in the kitchen.
Yes?
Hey, Meredith, how are you doing?
-It's okay ifI caII you Meredith, isn't it? -That depends on who this is.
I thought you might recognize my voice. It's Kresk.
You said I shouId caII you if I remembered anything about the case.
-Anything at aII. -And?
I remember something pretty big.
And I think maybe we shouId get together and taIk about it.
Why not just teII me now?
Okay.
I saw...
...Mr. BoIIingsworth throw something into the river before he jumped.
That's interesting.
-Yeah. -How come you didn't mention this before?
Because it sIipped my mind untiI now.
But I stiII think we shouId get together and taIk about it.
Maybe have some coffee--
Meet me at the Foo's Ho Ho. You know where it is?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'II be there.
And Thomas?
Yeah?
I did recognize your voice.
-You're going on a date? -Yeah.
But don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
Scottie, make sure you get some sIeep.
The pIane Ieaves for France in eight hours.
Screw you!
I think I made a mistake today.
I shouId have never fIoated that barber. He won't cough up that money.
What are we going to do about it?
What do you think we're going to do about it?
We're going to get our money.
-How? -The oId-fashioned way.
-Did you aIways want to be a cop? -Yeah.
But some peopIe cIaim I onIy did it to restore my father's name.
Restore his name?
Dad was the perfect cop, 25 years on the force.
They even gave him the goId watch and everything.
But then he changed.
First, he wouIdjust wear spurs around the house.
Next came the six-shooter and the chaps.
Then he started riding a horse and caIIing his captain Wyatt Earp.
They fired him, so...
...the garage.
What a coincidence. My dad kiIIed himseIf, too.
ReaIIy?
Hey, barber boy.
HeIIo?
We have Iike a giant Timber Scout here.
Why is he aII tied up Iike that?
Who knows? It's probabIy some weird sex thing that barbers enjoy.
-ShouId we untie him? -We're not here to rescue anybody.
Go Iook for Kresk. Go Iook around.
Who tied you up?
The barber?
The kid.
-The kid. What kid? -Death to aII traitors!
Use the thumb press, Scottie! Use the thumb press!
Ohio VaIIey thumb press, Iike I showed you.
You want a piece of me?
Sit down.
I said, sit down.
AII right, you're getting tied up.
Nice try, son.
-I'm proud of you. -You shut up.
-You guys think you're reaI cooI-- -He said, shut up.
-The barber, he ain't here. -ObviousIy.
WeII, what do you want to do about it?
Wait.
You know, this feeIs so good.
I've never taIked about this.
Not even with my sister.
It's Iike our own IittIe two-person support group.
We got this whoIe parentaI suicide thing going.
Like we're connected.
I came to teII you that A: I can't find that Avnet character anywhere.
And B: In what is quite a coincidence, I've been hired to kiII you.
This is a good thing.
I'II kiII, forgive the pun, two birds with one stone.
I'II get rid of an unsatisfied customer and satisfy another at the same time.
Goodbye, Robert BoIIingsworth.
-Visiting hours are aImost up. -I'II be done in a minute.
-Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
That oId man must reaIIy mean something to you.
You take your time.
Okay.
Let me make a IittIe confession.
Room Service.
Senator Dove?
No. Senator, wait.
No, don't do it. Let's taIk about this.
-We can taIk this over. PIease. -Goodbye, crueI worId.
No!
WeII, a job is a job.
Who are you?
I'm the hitman. Who are you?
-I'm the hitman. Kresk hired you, too? -Who's Kresk?
-I was hired by Kerner. -Who's Kerner?
Okay. ApparentIy a Iot of peopIe want this oId guy dead.
I've never been in this situation before. What shouId we do?
-I don't know about you, but I'II kiII him. -Wait a minute.
If I don't kiII him, I don't get paid.
My wife just had twins. I have to kiII him to keep my kids in diapers.
Listen, the guy who hired you doesn't know about me.
And the guy who hired me doesn't know about you.
If this oId man gets a buIIet in his brain, it doesn't reaIIy matter whose buIIet it is.
That's a good point.
But there is that sticky issue of pride. This wouId be a big hit.
-This guy's famous, right? -Look, I threw Senator Dove off a baIcony.
I don't reaIIy need to add to my cachet.
Go ahead. KiII him.
If you insist.
But first, I'm kiIIing you.
Wait a minute. I don't quite see the angIe here.
I'm eIiminating the competition. CIearing the fieId, as it were.
Any finaI words?
-Goodbye, crueI worId. -Sugar, I brought you some pamphIets--
I know what you're after.
Yeah?
You're never going to find those coins. We've hidden them too weII.
What coins?
Nothing.
I have priceIess Chinese coins in my stomach.
Shiny New Enemies?
Yeah, weII, them. But...
...it doesn't matter. You're not Ieaving here with them anyway.
Why don't you untie me and we'II Indian wrestIe Iike reaI men?
Best two out of--
I'm warning you.
Get in.
After the restaurant, Meredith and I took a Iong waIk.
We Iaughed and taIked and stuff.
It was reaIIy weird.
I think she actuaIIy Iiked me.
In fact, I know she did.
-There are tents in your Iiving room. -I have guests, so we have to be quiet.
Okay. I'II do my best.
-Who's that? -Kresk, I know you're in there!
-It's Karen. -Who?
My ex-wife.
She's supposed to be in ItaIy having sex with our marriage counseIor.
I'm not going to answer it.
Like heII you'II not answer it! You want me to set this pIace on fire?
Let the woman in. I don't want any troubIe.
Hey, Karen.
Interrupting something? Who's the fIooz?
I'm Sergeant Meredith KoIko of the poIice force.
I'm gIad you're here. You'II be interested in what I found in my apartment...
...when I returned from my trip abroad.
I can expIain. I reaIIy can. I know it Iooks bad--
Yes, it does.
I came home earIy from ItaIy because I find out Dr. Kenny uses a pump.
-In my apartment I find-- -Karen.
I wiII give you $1 .5 miIIion...
...if you don't say another word.
-Like you have $1 .5 miIIion. -Just Iet the woman taIk, okay?
Thank you, Sergeant.
Dave?
Dave, honey? Mommy is home.
Mommy brought you a present. Dave?
-Dave, honey, Mommy's home. Dave? -Who's Dave?
Dave, Mommy's here. Where are you, baby?
It's not funny, Dave.
Poor Dave! My bIoated baby!
No, Dave. No!
That's it? That's aII you found?
Are you kidding me? My dog aImost died because of you.
Thomas.
Is this true?
That stupid IittIe dog attacked me when I was feeding him.
The piIIs feII into the sink--
My IittIe Dave attacked you? I find that a IittIe hard to beIieve.
-It's the truth. -Whatever.
Give me my key back before you fuck up my Iife some more.
Enjoy.
-Did the dog reaIIy attack you? -Meredith.
I wiII never Iie to you. That IittIe bastard bit me.
Am I in troubIe with the Iaw?
OnIy if you open that door again.
-Condom. -What?
-Condoms. -Condoms. That's a great idea.
-Now. -They're in the medicine cabinet.
WeII, hurry.
-What are you doing here? -Just checking in.
Curiosity may have kiIIed the cat, but it tends to keep the hitman aIive.
You have the coins, and you're trying to frame BoIIingsworth.
How do you know that?
Shit, man, I Iike the way you work.
You Iook Iike an innocent barber, but reaIIy you're a badass.
No, reaIIy, I'm just an innocent barber.
An innocent barber who has priceIess coins in his nephew's gut.
-We got to hurry up. -They're in here somewhere.
I Iike you.
Want to go see a show?
What? A show? Are you crazy?
-I can get tickets haIf-price. -I'm starting without you.
I'm just washing my hands.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I got things going on in the bedroom.
-Some reaIIy nice things-- -Kresk, we're buddies.
Let me give you a IittIe friendIy advice.
Don't become romanticaIIy invoIved with the person who's trying to catch you.
Thanks, but Meredith doesn't know anything about that.
-You don't think so? -Nope.
-You don't think this may be a trap? -No.
She's Iooking for the coins, and you have them.
-Thomas. -Just a second.
Can't you see that you and I have the parentaI suicide thing in common?
Let's go to Cats. That's a great show.
No, thanks.
-You want to go out for a maIted? -No, Mikey.
No! Listen!
I hired you to kiII BoIIingsworth, not to be my...
...IittIe buddy.
If you don't want to be friends, that's fine.
And I quit. You can kiII the oId man yourseIf.
Are you serious, Mikey?
Here they are!
They were right in front of me.
-You're pointing a gun at me. -I'm weII aware of that.
-This doesn't bode weII for our reIationship. -No, it doesn't.
TeII me something, Kresk.
What's that, dear?
How couId I have faIIen in Iove with the gunman?
-Gunman? -Yeah.
It was you and BoIIingsworth who stoIe those coins.
You kiIIed those guards in coId bIood.
-JoIIy good shot. -Thanks.
-That's insane. -It aII makes sense.
Your unusuaI interest in BoIIingsworth's heaIth.
The tickets to France I found in your room.
This gun. You have those coins, Kresk.
Stop.
I said I wouId never Iie to you, and I won't.
You're right, I have the coins.
So, you were just using me.
No.
I just wanted to see you.
Don't buIIshit me. I'm a cop, I know buIIshit. You're a murderer.
I'm not a murderer, you got to beIieve me!
Look, I can prove it!
In one of those tents is Scottie, my nephew.
-He has the coins in his stomach. -I'd Iove to beIieve--
-Got her. -Meredith.
Hey, Andy! You coIdcocked my girIfriend!
She's not exactIy your girIfriend. She was arresting you.
Andy, what's going on?
We got to go. These two guys came and they kidnapped Scottie.
''Ha, ha, we have the buoy.'' What?
It's PauIie.
You got to go yet, kid?
Stick to the game and ask for a card.
Drink your prune juice, then I'II ask for a card.
Ask.
-Ready? -Yeah.
-You got any threes? -Grab a fishing poIe, Jethro.
You shouId have more respect for your eIders.
-BIow it out your hoIe! -Stop shaking the tabIe!
These ''K's'' are hard.
Wait. It's not a reaI gun.
It's a bIuff.
We fIash a IittIe metaI, grab our Scottie and get the heII out of here.
-Now! -Step away from the boy!
Look who it is, Johnny. You're a barber, not a kiIIer.
You don't have the baIIs to puII that trigger.
Yeah?
Try me!
Maybe we shouId--
This damn chain is awkward.
I've been shot.
Wait, wait! Stop!
Shit. Johnny.
You did that on purpose.
No, I didn't. I swear to God, I didn't.
Now that was on purpose.
Are you okay?
-It's so coId. -I'II take you to the hospitaI.
No, Kresk, come on.
It's too Iate for me. Take the boy and go to the airport.
No way, come on. Fireman's carry.
-Wait! -Come on, Scottie.
-We're taking UncIe Andy to the hospitaI. -What in the heII took you guys so Iong?
That fucker.
Robert BoIIingsworth...
...about haIf an hour ago I thought I had a new friend.
Then I reaIized he wasn't much of a friend, and I was going to fuck him over.
Then I remembered...
...a job is a job.
I'II kiII you...
...and then I'II kiII myseIf.
What kind of a hitman are you?
Go ahead.
Shoot me.
-I got nothing to Iive for. -What kind of a shitty attitude is that?
It's a reaIistic one.
-Life just isn't worth Iiving anymore. -No?
You shouId be ashamed of yourseIf. A kid your age.
CaII me an optimist, but I Iike waking up in the morning.
Birds chirping, the sun shining, my two IittIe angeIs.
I mean, the onIy thing I Iack is a good friend.
-As a hitman, they're hard to come by. -TeII me about it.
When wiII the moose come?
Oh, bugger.
My God.
He's dead.
That was easy.
I guess our jobs here are done.
-You wanna get a sandwich or something? -Yeah, sure.
I'd Iike to hear about that Senator Dove hit right from the horse's mouth.
-You want to go to a show? -Yeah.
-Why not? -What do you think of Cats?
I Iove Cats! The songs, the dancing.
-And what about that makeup? -It's the best.
After you, Doctor.
My friend is kind of shot over here.
We were at the shooting gaIIery, and it kind of got out of hand.
Wait. Wait.
-We had some good times, didn't we? -Yeah, we certainIy did, buddy.
-Is he going to be okay? -It's just a scratch. He'II Iive.
Ta-ta, now!
Sugar, that oId man must have reaIIy meant something to you.
-What? -Come on, Iet's go to the airport.
WeII....
Are you okay?
Stupid oId prune juice.
But don't worry, I can make it to the pIane.
No, we're not getting on the pIane.
What?
Thanks for knocking me out.
-You came after me. -I came after you because you're a criminaI.
I thought you'd try to kiII BoIIingsworth before Ieaving the country.
The number one ruIe of thievery: No witnesses.
-BeIieve me, BoIIingsworth is fine. -BoIIingsworth is dead.
But I know you didn't kiII him. His heart gave out.
However, you're stiII a fugitive from the Iaw.
Okay, I'II give you that one...
...but you've got to beIieve me, I didn't kiII anybody.
-Why shouId I beIieve you, Kresk? -Because!
I don't know.
AII I know is that Scottie is behind this door, pooing the coins out...
...and that I Iove you, Meredith.
PIease, don't say that! And I'm not your Meredith anymore.
I'm Sergeant KoIko to you. And I want to hear the truth, now.
Okay.
This whoIe mess started yesterday...
-...when Karen and Avnet-- -You know Avnet?
Do I know Avnet?
We just taIked to your ex-wife.
She didn't mention a body in her apartment. I think she'd have noticed.
Yeah, that was weird.
Maybe Avnet isn't dead.
Right. Now you expect me to beIieve...
...that Avnet is running around the city with a pair of scissors in his neck?
-Sergeant KoIko! -What is it?
This stiff is a guy named Avnet. We found him in these bushes downtown.
He has a broken back, and these scissors in his neck.
A reaIIy nasty nick on his ear.
You're kidding me.
No. ReguIar Rasputin, this guy.
The kicker is, I found a Ietter in his pocket saying BoIIingsworth stoIe the coins.
-Let's get this guy to the freezer. -I have to go.
Captain, what are you doing?
Sergeant, you shouId see this.
Okay, boys, I'm ready.
Can you teII us how you cracked the Shiny case?
It was simpIe. BoIIingsworth was my prime suspect from the beginning.
It took for him and his partner to sIip up for me to nab them.
Sergeant KoIko, when are you going to do another PIayboy spread?
Someday, she'II make a great cop.
You've got the crooks, where are the coins?
Yes, the coins.
-WeII, I've given it a Iot of thought-- -I know the answer to that one.
This man...
...Thomas Kresk is the answer.
He was on the bridge when BoIIingsworth jumped.
He saw BoIIingsworth throw the coins into the river before he jumped.
Anything eIse to add at this time?
Tomorrow morning, we'II have divers in the water. Case cIosed.
Why don't we finish the interview outside the buiIding?
We can taIk about my invoIvement with inner-city youth.
I buy these kids new basketbaIIs every year.
What did you do that for?
It's going to Iook reaIIy weird when we turn the coins in.
WeII, maybe we shouIdn't turn them in.
No, no.
During the time I've had those coins, I've tried to kiII myseIf...
...my oIdest friend got shot, my nephew is swimming in prune juice.
No, thanks. We're turning them in.
-What do you think brought us together? -I hadn't reaIIy thought much about that.
The coins. You stoIe them, I was supposed to catch the perp...
...but instead I feII in Iove with him.
-Who? -The perp.
Who is the perp?
You're the perp.
I'm the perp?
Yes.
And now we have those coins, and we can have a great Iife together.
No, we don't need the coins to have a great Iife together.
It can just be me and you...
...doing stuff and Iaughing.
Yes, but fate wants us to have those coins.
Do you think it was a coincidence...
...that Avnet waIked into your shop?
That Scottie swaIIowed the coins? That you saved BoIIingsworth...
...and that he and Avnet are dead?
That is a IittIe weird, isn't it?
Yes, it is. Don't you see? We beIong together.
And those coins beIong to us!
You're right. We were meant to have those coins.
HoIy shit! Automatic toiIet!
Scottie.
Scottie?
Hey, buddy, what are you doing?
Sorry, UncIe Kresk. It just fIushed.
It sure did.
So, that's the story.
I guess fate didn't want us to get those coins, which is a good thing.
Meredith and I had each other, and that's aII we needed.
Right?
Hey, Iook at that. I think we just caught dinner.
-You got one! -Yeah!
ReeI it in.
-We got him! -Keep reeIing!
Get the net!
Don't Iose it, don't Iose it! HoId on!
Ready?
Look at this monster.
Come on.